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I pout petulantly as I plug my iPod ear buds in, listen to Snow Patrol, and sit down at my small desk to re-read the contract and make my comments.

I begin by cramming my books into a crate.īy nine, I've heard nothing. To distract myself from the anxiety that blooms in my belly, I start doing what I told Kate I would be doing - packing up my room. But I know it exists, I've experienced it. Christian Grey is not famed for his sense of humor. I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke. Could I feel any more inadequateTaking the awesome free technology with me, I set the laptop up on my desk. She doesn't do it on purpose, I know, but I haul my sorry, perspiration clad, old t-shirt, sweat pants, and sneakers ass into my room on the pretext of packing more boxes. There are only so many ways one can say - you look fabulous Kate. She will look fabulous in all of them, yet she still makes me sit and comment while she tries on each and every one. Kate has been shopping, as only she can, for clothes for her holiday to Barbados. I take a deep cleansing breath, then jog back to the apartment. I need to email him my thoughts, and then we can discuss these on Wednesday. I need to tell him what's okay and what isn't. I stop beside a large spruce and put my hands on my knees, breathing hard, dragging precious air into my lungs.

I am plagued by one question - why is he like thisIs it because he was seduced at such a young ageI just don't know. Am I prepared to give him thatAm I even capable? It illustrates what I can expect from him and what he expects from me - my total submission. I figure that it just sets up the parameters of the relationship. My research has told me that legally it's unenforceable. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn't. What am I going to do I want him, but on his termsI just don't know. Snow Patrol blaring in my ears, I set off into the opal and aquamarine dusk. I wave and don't stop for the inquisition. She nearly drops her shopping when she sees me. Kate is walking from her car as I head out of the door.

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